Another "Family Value" - equating Homosexuality with Pedophelia

A little background: At one time my former husband and I were very active in a fundamentalist church. I was the music minister. We were the youth ministers. He was a deacon and often preached in the pastor's stead. I taught adult Sunday School; the pastor was in my class. My husband taught Wednesday night bible study - the pastor was in HIS class. The pastor and his wife became our friends, and we shared with them our pasts. My husband was encouraged to "give his testimony" before the church. After all, we were speaking from the ruse that my husband had been "healed" of his homosexuality. He struggled daily with "temptation," but he was told he must put it aside, as if it were the Apostle Paul's "thorn in the flesh."

My husband was reluctant. After all, he remembered being a teenager, in the closet with his family but "out" while staying with friends in California. He saw the "Turn or Burn" signs, and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Sometimes he even saw "God Hates Fags" placards. So it was not without trepidation that he finally agreed to tell the congregation of his history. This was our family. These were our friends. This was our life. We were enmeshed.

He did, though. He told them of his attractions for men from a young age. He told them of his fear of being found out, of his marriage to me based in that fear, of his growing love for me, and of his "healing" - which hadn't happened, but it looked good at the time. He had tears in his eyes numerous times during that talk. The congregation was enrapt. Afterward, there were many hugs for both of us, many people thanking him. And then there were the others. We heard whispers... "should he really be working with the youth?" Eventually, the whispers grew to more discontented rumors - that perhaps someone with that kind of past might "rub off" on a teenage boy. Or that one of them might even be molested. After all, maybe he wasn't healed, and everybody knows that homosexuals must be pedophiles, too, right?

We eventually left amidst the whispers. I stopped singing. He stopped preaching. We started studying, and came out of all of that fear-filled dogma as my husband, with my blessing, began the long journey of coming out of the closet and accepting his orientation. Sometimes, we would be in the grocery store and one of the congregants we knew had been whispering would see us, and turn his or her cart around to go the other way. Sometimes people would say an awkward hello. But always there was that look in their eyes... 'what if he molests someone'?

In the fundamentalist church (many denominations fit this group, but let's just say they are the churches that believe in the "literal" view of the Bible), there is a teaching - it is evil and insidious and has no basis whatsoever in fact. That a homosexual is also a pedophile. Or, that if homosexuality is accepted as a social norm, then pedophelia might also be accepted, or bestiality, or some other such "aberration."

I see people doing this all the time - especially those right wing bastions who are fighting to keep gay marriage from being made legal. I see it on Internet discussion forums where people steeped in ignorance parrot the pundits and the pastors and never study it for themselves. On one such forum I became incensed and had to respond to the ugliness - I was banned from posting there again. See, it was a "word of faith/charismatic" forum and they were apparently afraid of what I had to say. An exerpt:

I have spent years researching molesters - pedophiles. They are not "born that way." In research and profiling of pedophiles, we see one criteria that is common in nearly 100% - a pedophile was molested in some way him or herself. Does that make what they do right? Absolutely not. These people need serious therapy.

Also, the vast majority of pedophiles, even many of those men who molest boys, identify themselves with being heterosexual in their orientation.

To equate a homosexual with a pedophile is gay-bashing, and if you want to call me a heretic and toss me out of your forum to say so, well so be it. Whether or not you think homosexuality is a sin, there is no excuse for comparing those in the homosexual community to pedophiles whatsoever. To do that, and THEN to get angry when someone compares the homosexual person who has been persecuted to another race that has been persecuted - that smacks of pure hypocrisy.

The fact is, persecution of any person due to their beliefs, color, or sexual orientation is wrong. Disagree with their lives if you will - call it sin if you will - but don't condone the persecution, and don't equate them with criminals who have mental disorders (i.e., pedophiles).

Yep - they banned me. Interesting, that. But not surprising. The whole "Family Values" campaign is based in fear. Make people fearful of the homosexual man or woman, and you control their votes based in their fear. Make them think that if they allow equal rights for GLBT people, their children will not be safe. Hell, make 'em think even their farm animals might not be safe! It's the same strategy that was used against the Jews during WWII, and the same used against people of African Descent during the Civil Rights movement. If they dehumanize those they hate, they can somehow justify their bigotry.

I asked a friend in disbelief once about how hate-filled some of thise vitriol could be. She replied,

They fear, they promote more fear, and they hide in their fundamentalist "family values" bunkers, trying to shield themselves from any truth that might penetrate their prejudices.

There are many, many men out there that molest young girls. And some women who molest young boys. I suppose then, in the logic of the Family Values folks, that must mean that heterosexuality is a dangerous trend! After all, there is a far greater percentage of pedophiles who identify as heterosexual than those who identify as homosexual. To the person reading this who might believe that homosexuals might also be pedophiles...Get your facts straight. Most men who molest boys identify as heterosexual. If there are a few men in the homosexual population that are molesters as well, that does not incriminate the entire population. To even suggest such a thing is ignorance of the science and the psychology - and the RESEARCH - that is out there.

Some of these same people will try to convince their congregations by saying that most homosexual men were introduced to their homosexuality through the "gateway of pedophelia." Again, that is nothing but pretzel logic, or as an old friend of mine once said, nothing but a big pile of bovine fecal matter. If that were the case, then all men who were molested by men as children would be gay in adulthood, and this is simply not true. Most men who were molested as children (studies put them at about 90 to 94%) identify in adulthood as heterosexual.

In all my research on homosexuality and lesbianism (which has eventually led me to believe that homosexuality CANNOT be helped, and CANNOT be a criteria for being excluded from the love and salvation of God), I have learned a few things.

One, is that the propensity for homosexuality is probably genetic, though environmental factors may play a part. Let me explain why. A baby can be born with characteristics resembling their other-sex counterparts (at least the stereotypes). Studies of the brain HAVE proven out that the homosexual brain actually does have some differences from the average heterosexual brain activity (I'll go back and spend hours looking up the documentation if necessary, but if you have the true desire to know the REAL truth, you'll look for yourself).

Also, studies of hormone balance can play a part in whether or not a child is born with genetic tendencies toward homosexuality (again, if someone insists on the study, I'll take awhile digging it up in my archives, but whatever - or, just do a google search and find it yourself).

The results of a huge body of research suggest that genes, brain anatomy, and prenatal sex hormones heavily influence.

Now, what does this mean? That according to science up to this time, one can be born predisposed to homosexuality. This predisposition is further exacerbated by environmental factors. That is one reason why nearly every person with same-sex attraction cannot remember a time, even when they were small children, that they didn't feel "different" or attracted in some way to the same sex.

"Nobody in science now believes that sexual orientation is caused by events in adolescence...Homosexuality is an early, probably prenatal and irreversible preference." Author and geneticist Matt Ridley

Interesting quote. Now compare that to a quote by a non-scientist member of a conservative christian rights leader:

"Often, one's 'homosexuality' is thrust upon him by childhood molestation, poor familial relations, or general peer harassment during the adolescent years, including the continual calling of that child 'gay'." Parents Rights Coalition, a conservative Christian agency in Massachusetts.

It's strange to me that ONLY religious conservatives deny the scientific evidence that has been put forth to lay out genetic evidence for homosexuality or other sexual differences in individuals. Of course, I used to be one of those people - that person on the "narrow road," who said, "Well, it's because I'm right. They're ALL lying about the genetics they've connected. It's ALL part of that gay agenda that's destroying the family, destroying this country, blah blah blah..." **insert vomiting animation here**

There are hundreds of studies out there that have shown a preponderance of evidence that sexuality is by genetic causes prior to birth, and by environmental causes BEFORE birth, while the child is in the womb.

Scientific research has stated that pedophelia is NOT a genetic premutatin, but due to the abuse and molestation of a person when they were a child. Viva la difference.

The fundamentalist Christian is in a quandary. If he/she accepts the science, they are actually rejecting scripture. So, instead, excuses are made for the science - the scientists were biased, or maybe it's all part of the "homosexual agenda," or just the statement that reasoning and logic are contrary to God. So they continue to ignore the cognitive dissonance and believe the propaganda that tells them that homosexuals must also be pedophiles. With no basis at all in fact - simply a concerted movement by the "Family Values" folks to promote fear in the hearts of its constituents.

Family Values proponents would like us to believe that: "...males are primarily introduced to homosexuality through the gateway of pedophilia."

Warning - colorful language coming: Bullshit. Give me the evidence. The actual scientific research that says that a male is primarily introducecd to homosexuality through pedophelia. There IS none. There are some papers presented by ex-gay ministries - none of them are backed up with science, or with widespread study. Are many homosexuals introduced to same-sex relations prior to age 18? Of course! Many HETEROSEXUALS are as well - I defy you to find many people of age 18 anymore that haven't had sexual contact...some, and I commend them, but not many.

Are there some cases of homosexuals whose first encounter was through pedophelia? I'm sure there are, just as there are some cases of HETEROSEXUALS whose first encounter was through pedophelia. But there is NO preponderance of evidence that says pedophelia is "the gateway" to homosexuality; in fact, that is a vary naive assumption with no basis in research.

Another "Family Value" uncloseted.

Ted Haggard - Completely Heterosexual After Three Weeks "Ministry"

CNN reported on February 7, 2007 that Ted Haggard (the former minister of 14,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO), after only three weeks of ministry by leading ministers, "is completely heterosexual." In November, 2006, Haggard was forced to resign his position at the megachurch, as well as the National Association of Evangelicals (one of the leading forces in campaigning to deny gay couples the right to marry), because he was exposed for having a long-term sexual relationship with Denver male escort Mike Jones.

Apparently Mr. Haggard "subjected himself" to three weeks of "intense ministry" by four leading evangelical ministers, who declared him to be cured in that time period. A quote from Rev. Tim Ralph, one of the four:

"He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Hmmmm - so, it was "just the acting out situations" and therefore he's not gay. Interesting concept. This is the kind of convoluted speech that is used by evangelicals and proponents of reparative therapy that bewilders me.

In response, Mike Jones, the escort who had been in those "acting out situations" with Haggard, quoted:

"Well, that's the quickest therapy I've ever heard of. It's hard for me to imagine someone who is performing oral sex and saying that he is 'straight. That just doesn't jive. If you were to ask me 'Do I think is Ted Haggard gay?' I would have to say yes."

Rev. Ralph also made comments that if Mr. Haggard were gay, he'd have had more than one affair, and since nobody else had come out and accused Haggard of having sex with him, it "proved" that Haggard was not gay.

HUH?? So, since he only had sex with one man, Haggard's sexual contact with Mike Jones was simply "acting out." Very strange logic. In my world, we call that "pretzel logic." Twisting the facts to try to make a ludicrous point.

Unfortunately, a gullible church will grab hold and believe it. And Haggard's wife will continue to love and support him, praying with all her might that it is over - that he will never "act out" again. Haggard will either disappear from any publicity at all, or he will become the newest poster child for the ex-gay movement, which attempts to convince the church that homosexuality can be "cured." Which, of course, is another way of saying that they believe it is some sort of disease.

A three year affair with a male escort - and he's "healed" in three weeks. The stats don't back up the claim. More about those statistics another time. The fact is (and any non-fundamentalist will tell you this), if you have a desire to put your mouth on a person of the same sex's genetalia - you are not straight. And THAT'S OKAY!

I'm sure Ted Haggard WANTS it to be true - that he is straight, that he is healed, that he will no longer have to deal on a daily basis with the desire to be with a man, that he will want to be with his wife and ONLY his wife for the rest of his life. I'm sure that is something he would love to have. It is unfortunate that he lives in a society that doesn't value him for exactly who he is...that he felt the need to suppress his attractions at all.

It will be easy for him to deny his attractions to men as long as he is surrounded by all this attention from the "leadership" - but, like John Paulk (James Dobson's former "ex gay" posterboy), as soon as Haggard is back out from under their "leadership", he's on his own with the temptations again. And like John Paulk, who immediately went to a gay bar as soon as he was out of "ministry" covering - Haggard will find that he is faced with this again.

And he and his wife and their children will suffer for it.

Not to mention the millions of gay people out there who are suffering for those attitudes as well.

Family Values?

21 years ago, I was a bright-eyed young woman who was in love with a handsome, albeit serious, young man. We married, had a baby, and I expected to live happily ever after. We lived in a conservative, mostly fundamentalist Christian community at the heart of a mostly conservative, fundamentalist state. Homosexuals were not discussed except in derogatory terms, with the term "abominations before God" being used whenever the topic did arise.

Ten years into the marriage, it was revealed to this bride, who was still very much in love with her husband (though he was often distant and depressed) that he had a "terrible secret." He was gay. He had fought that fact all of his life. When he met me, he knew that he was gay, but he thought he could change - that God would heal him. And the alternative - coming out as a gay man - could get him killed. Certainly it would mean he would be shunned by his congregation, his friends, and possibly his family.

So, being convinced it was his only choice (because homosexuals were NOT accepted, and could not get married and have children), he married me, this girl that he loved as best he could - with the sanctions of the ministers surrounding us.

After struggling in "ex-gay" ministries until he was so suicidal I thought I'd come home any day to a corpse, and after years of trying to quell his real orientation, we were both left with a shattered marriage. All because he was unacceptable for who he was. I realized then that I'd rather have a gay husband than a dead husband.

So I got to start over at 40, my "happily ever after" destroyed - because he thought that he could "change" and love me the way I deserved to be loved, and because he could not live as the man he was created to be in a marriage relationship with a partner of the same sex. My husband never had the courage to tell me he was gay - until after I confronted him on the evidence I'd seen. However, at least he gathered his courage and told me everything after that, and of his fears that if he'd told me sooner, I would leave and he'd never see our daughter or me again. I understand that fear.

He finally gave me, even if it took years, the most important of gifts - the truth. I loved him with every single part of me (I still do, but am learning to shift that marriage love into a deep friendship). I have since realized something important to me - he loved me in the way a gay man loves a woman. I didn't want to know that there was a difference back then. But I know now.

I also don't know what kind of absolute private hell life as a gay man or woman in the closet might be. I've had a hell of my own, though – that of believing that my marriage was something it was not – because conservative religion told us it was wrong to be gay.

I know that there are many gay men and women who choose NOT to deceive or to be what society, family, religion, or politics tell them they should be. I have the utmost respect and admiration for the bravery of these people to live real, authentic lives.

My former husband and I are not the only couple out there. A low estimate of more than 2 million couples in this country alone (USA, wave those little freedom flags everybody) are in some stage or other of the same situation. I have collected hundreds of stories from other couples. In many of these situations, the ministers who married the couples KNEW that one of them was gay (or in their words, struggled with same-sex attraction), and they encouraged them to marry anyway, even though the straight spouse knew nothing. To "save" the homosexual from hellfire and damnation...they never gave a thought to the straight spouse who could, and eventually would, be destroyed by it. Both of them become the sacrificial lambs for religious fundamentalism.

These gay people who married, some of them hoping that God would heal them or change them, some of them to simply have a "normal" life in a marriage with children and the picket fence, some of them to hide from persecution - had they been accepted for who they ARE, would probably never have married someone of the opposite sex.

Had they been allowed to marry a partner of the same sex, and been accepted, they never would have made the choices that are now destroying their lives, the lives of their unsuspecting spouses, and in some cases the lives of their children. All because they only way they can be equal - and have the same rights as everybody else - is to pretend to BE everybody else.

So where are "Family Values" in all of this? Gay marriage harms no-one, and it allows everyone to share in equal rights under the law. Disallowing gay marriage and treating homosexuals (or transgendered individuals, or any people who are not sanctioned by the church) as "lesser" or "abominations" is a destroyer of families….millions of them, every year.

I could spend my life angry at what I got handed regarding my marriage, and blame the GLBT community, especially since it seems sometimes that the gay spouse who comes out has support from the gay community, while the straight spouse seems to just disappear into the woodwork, with little to no support (even though they have been through intense trauma as a result of their partner's deception). But that wouldn't be living very authentically either, considering the roots of this stem from society's lack of acceptance of those who have non-heterosexual orientations or gender identities.

Will I play "devil's advocate" as some of our leaders do, and entertain the opposing viewpoint? No. Because it is evil. Anything which places one group of people in a position to be "better than" another group is pure evil. Conservative, liberal, or in between, if a particular ideal of that group passes judgment on others, or causes others to be placed in a category that makes them second- or even third-class citizens, it is EVIL.

There are so many people destroyed by this horrific vilification of homosexuality. They seem to be coming out of the woodwork these days, what with ministers in Colorado, ex-governors, and even the male of "How Stella Got her Groove Back" fame.

The "Family Values" folks would like to pass the blame for all of this on to the Gay community. But it is they themselves who are destroying families everywhere. I will not blame the GLBT community for the hell my former husband and I have gone through. And I will not tolerate intolerance. I choose instead to offer love, acceptance, and support to the GLBT community. It is a community I have been a part of by marriage, and have grown to love. Go to a gay event, festival, or educational meeting. They're not just for our gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, or questioning friends. It is for everyone who wishes to support the basic human rights of all of our sisters and brothers. THAT is family values. Anyone who says differently just isn't paying attention.